Marriage By The Book

There is a great section of scripture in Galatians 5. If married couples would apply this one principle in their relationship, it would go a long way toward having a great marriage.

It is Galatians 5:13 – 14. I particularly like the way it reads in the Amplified Bible.

“For you, brethren, were [indeed] called to freedom; only [do not let your] freedom be an incentive to your flesh and an opportunity or excuse [for selfishness], but through love you should serve one another. For the whole Law [concerning human relationships] is complied with in the one precept, You shall love your neighbor as [you do] yourself.”

Note the importance of this love – it fulfills the whole law concerning relationships. The New Testament was originally written in Greek, and the word translated as “love” in this scripture is the Greek word “agape”.

To apply this in your marriage, you need to understand what agape means. Agape is selfless and will go to any length to attain the well-being of its object (in going to any length, agape will, of course not do anything unscriptural, immoral, or illegal). It is based on a decision and a commitment rather than on feelings. It is a matter of the head more than of the heart. Agape desires to benefit others even at the expense of self, because it desires to give more than to get. Agape is unconditional love.

This is how God loves us, and it is how he wants us to love each other. If you want to see great things happen in your relationship, begin loving your spouse this way.

I like the way The Message version of this scrioture reads. I believe it nails the spirit of what God was saying. Here it is — “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”

Think of the implications of this for marriage.  Imagine how you want your marriage to be — what you are hoping for.  God has a plan to get you there.  That’s good stuff.  We need to get in God’s plan, do things His way!

Being right is highly overrated. The relationship is more important than who is right and who is wrong. In marriage, and in most of life, we all like to be right. This presents problems in marriage because your spouse likes to be right too. Really, it isn’t even a matter of who is right; it’s a matter of who gets their way.

If something isn’t unscriptural, immoral, or illegal, then it is really just an opinion. What color should we paint this room? What should we spend our money on? Where should we go on vacation? What kind of toothpaste should we buy? What is shortest route to church? People get into fights day in and day out over their opinion about such trivial and not so trivial things. Are you willing to damage or lose your marriage over this?

As I said, the relationship is more important than who is right and who is wrong. This is a scriptural principle. Consider mankind’s relationship with God before Jesus came; who was right and who was wrong? Obviously, God was right and mankind was wrong. After all, it was man who sinned. Who came to make the relationship right? God did. So, you see, God considered His relationship with man to be more important than who was right. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave…”. Giving yourself is the greatest expression of love. In John 13:34 NIV, Jesus said, “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”

A key to a successful marriage is being willing to give yourself, this includes being willing to surrender your opinion for the relationship. When you do this, you place yourself in the middle of God’s way of doing things, and He will meet your needs.

You need to eliminate the word divorce from your vocabulary. It should never come out of your mouth when you are speaking about possibilities for your own marriage. The possibility of divorce brings insecurity into the relationship. Insecurity is a bad foundation; you cannot build anything stable and lasting on it.

Early in our marriage, Rebekah and I used to get into BIG arguments. Often, one of us would bring up the dreaded “D” word. It was the heat of the moment, we were mad, and boom — we would drop the bomb. Sometimes we would say it just so the other person didn’t get to say it first. It was as if the first one to bring it up had the advantage.

One day, in 1992, I told Rebekah that divorce was no longer an option for us. I told her we were going to make our marriage work. Sticking to it wasn’t easy. The next time we got into an argument, Rebekah brought it up. I wanted to jump on the bandwagon and say, “OK! Let’s get a divorce.” But I didn’t. I remembered our decision and said, “No! Divorce is not an option for us. I love you, and I am committed to you, and we are going to make our marriage work.”

That scenario played out one more time. The results were dramatic. Rebekah has told the story many times since. She says that it brought tremendous security to her when I took the stand that we were going to make our marriage work and that divorce was not an option. It was a huge step forward in our relationship. We have never allowed divorce to be mentioned as a possibility for us since then.

I challenge you; eliminate the word divorce from your vocabulary. Even if your spouse brings it up, don’t you follow suit. Do what we did and say “NO” to divorce.

MATTHEW 19:6 NKJV
…So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Rebekah and I had horrible problems during our first couple of years of marriage.  Did I look for help?  No. I was afraid to tell anyone or confide anything to anyone, even to friends, because I thought I was the only person in the world dealing with these kinds of relationship problems.  I was afraid that if I said something, people would think something was wrong with me.  Maybe they would think less of me as a man.  Maybe they would not want to be my friend.  Maybe they would talk about me behind my back.  Maybe plain old pride was getting in the way.   

Whatever it was, I didn’t look for help and things just got worse.  I would actually get mad at Rebekah if she suggested getting help. 

Years later, after we got involved in marriage ministry, I found out that the idea that you are the only one having problems is common to a lot of people.  They suffer in silence, afraid to admit they need help.  This is a lie that the devil is telling you to keep you from seeking the answers you need.     

Let’s just expose this lie right now.  The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:28, that married people are going to have “trouble in the flesh.”  Having issues to work through in marriage is normal; there is nothing wrong with you. 

1 Peter 5:9 tells us to Resist the devil, “steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.”  You are not the only one with relationship issues.  It just makes sense that when two different people are becoming one that there will be some friction involved.  

It is a normal thing to have to learn to get along in marriage.  You have to learn to be married just as you have to learn anything, whether it is walking, or talking, or reading, or driving.   

So the bottom line is this — you are not the only one dealing with stuff.  You are not weird, or messed up, and it does not mean something is wrong with you.  Don’t let this lie keep you from getting help.  Answers for your situation are available in the Word, in books, and from sound Christian teaching and counsel.  Get help.  

This is a portion of scripture from Ecclesiastes 4:12.  The complete verse reads, “Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”  This scripture illustrates three levels of unity and the strength offered at each level.  There is a perception that being a ”lone wolf” means you are strong.  The truth is that the “lone wolf’ is the easiest to overcome; it is the weakest.  Two together are more difficult.  They can encourage each other, hold each other accountable, and watch each other’s back.  But the hardest to overcome is three together. 

God created marriage,  and in marriage, He is the third cord.  If you build your marriage relationship on Godly principles like love, forgiveness, repentance, and so on, your marriages will be much more able to withstand the pressures that the world exerts to drive you apart.   I have noticed that as a husband and wife draw closer to God, they also draw closer to each other.  Keep God at the center of your relationship.  He knows how to make it work.

Many people are familiar with Malachi 2:16, which says, “God hates divorce.”  I think a lot of people put up with a bad relationship because they think that staying in the relationship is keeping God happy.  They sleep in separate beds, take separate vacations, have separate money, and so on, and they think God is happy because they aren’t divorced.

Consider this.  The Old Testament, including Malachi, was written in ancient Hebrew.  the word commonly translated as divorce in Malachi 2:16 actually means to put away, send away, or separate.  This certainly includes divorce but is not limited to divorce.  What this tells me is that God doesn’t just hate divorce.  He hates the whole process in which a married couple drifts apart, falls out of love, and decides to divorce — He doesn’t hate just the even itself.

So, what should we do?  We should make sure our marriage stays strong.  We should make sure our love stays alive.  We should honor the marriage covenant that we have with our spouse by making them the number one person in our lives second only to God.  We should love our spouse.  

Don’t allow separation to enter into your relationship.