Marriage By The Book

Stepfamilies can succeed, but they do face unique challenges.  We have counseled and worked with quite a few stepfamilies, and there are a couple of common characteristics we see.  One is that usually the couple forming the stepfamily has a sense of security going into this new relationship.  The lessons learned from their previous failed relationship, they believe, will help them succeed this time.  This usually is not the case.  There is a sort of “Brady Bunch” mentality that everyone – parents and children – will blend quickly, love each other, and function like a “first” family.  It usually doesn’t work like that.  A second characteristic is frustration and hopelessness.  Parents are torn between their new spouse and their children.   It is typical for people in first marriages to stay married for the kids, and it is also typical to see step families divorce because of the kids. 

BUT – THERE IS HOPE.  Absolutely and definitely.  Think about this; Jesus, Mary, and Joseph were a stepfamily.  I think that family turned out pretty well.  People say, “Yes, but that was Jesus.”  Remember, Phil 2 tells us that Jesus laid aside his privileges and cam e to earth as a man.  The Bible refers to him as “the man Jesus Christ.”  Yes, He was God, but He was also very much a man. 

Here are some keys to step family success.  One, don’t try to force blending.  Kids will resist pressure.  Let it happen naturally.  Do things to help build relationships between stepparents and children without pressure.   Don’t try to hand off authority to soon; the biological parent will need to be the primary disciplinarian until a relationship is established.  Finally, if you want your step child to believe that you love them, you need to show them that you love their biological parent. They equate you loving their biological parent with you loving them.  Also, love between the parents brings a security to the relationship that allows the children to be more secure, unguarded, and open.

I am posting this on April 1st, but this is not a joke.  Stepfamilies can be great.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 1st, 2009 at 5:11 am and is filed under Stepfamilies, christian marriage ministry, marriage counseling, marriage help, marriage tips. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.