Archive for the ‘marriage help’ Category

How can two walk together lest they be agreed?

Tuesday, June 9th, 2009

This is Amos 3:3, and boy is it true.  Have you ever been around a couple that can’t agree on anything.  Nobody wants to be around them; it is hard to imagine they enjoy being together.   Early on in our marriage – Rebekah and I used to argue about the best toothpaste to use (believe it or not).  She like Colgate and I liked Crest.  Really and truly, there isn’t much difference between the two.  Is it worth arguing even once about something like this?  But people argue about such simple things all the time.   People don’t like to give up being right and let the other person have their way. 

Being right is highly over rated.  We need to adapt ourselves to one another.  Agreement doesn’t necessarily mean we think the other person is right; it doesn’t mean we feel like yielding what we want.  It does mean we make a decision to put the realtionship above who is right and who is wrong.  We can decide to agree even if we don’t feel like it.  THEN we can walk together.

Posted in marriage help, marriage tips | 3 Comments »

Can You Save Your Marriage Alone?

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

Many people are pretty much in their marriage alone.  At worst, their spouse wants a divorce.  At best, their spouse is uninterested, unloving, and cold.  Is it possible for the spouse who wants the relationship to do anything to save it?  The answer is yes.  In fact, most marriages are saved when one spouse, acting alone, takes the initiative to save the marriage.  

I know it can be done because that is the situation we were in 18 years ago.  We were headed for divorce.  A PhD psychologist we were seeing for counseling told us that in her 15 years of practice we were the only hopeless couple she had ever seen.  She told us we needed to get a divorce.   Rebekah didn’t take that as the final answer, though.  She acted alone to save our marriage, and she succeeded. 

The biggest key to success is learning to love your spouse God’s way.  Scriptures like 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and Ephesians 4:32-42 (especially from the Amplified Bible) describe how God’s love acts.  Our book, Marriage By The Book, and CD series, How to Save Your Marriage Alone, go into a lot of detail on this.

If you are in this situation, know that you aren’t alone, and there is hope.

Posted in marriage counseling, marriage help, marriage tips, save your marriage | 1 Comment »

Step Families

Wednesday, April 1st, 2009

Stepfamilies can succeed, but they do face unique challenges.  We have counseled and worked with quite a few stepfamilies, and there are a couple of common characteristics we see.  One is that usually the couple forming the stepfamily has a sense of security going into this new relationship.  The lessons learned from their previous failed relationship, they believe, will help them succeed this time.  This usually is not the case.  There is a sort of “Brady Bunch” mentality that everyone – parents and children – will blend quickly, love each other, and function like a “first” family.  It usually doesn’t work like that.  A second characteristic is frustration and hopelessness.  Parents are torn between their new spouse and their children.   It is typical for people in first marriages to stay married for the kids, and it is also typical to see step families divorce because of the kids. 

BUT – THERE IS HOPE.  Absolutely and definitely.  Think about this; Jesus, Mary, and Joseph were a stepfamily.  I think that family turned out pretty well.  People say, “Yes, but that was Jesus.”  Remember, Phil 2 tells us that Jesus laid aside his privileges and cam e to earth as a man.  The Bible refers to him as “the man Jesus Christ.”  Yes, He was God, but He was also very much a man. 

Here are some keys to step family success.  One, don’t try to force blending.  Kids will resist pressure.  Let it happen naturally.  Do things to help build relationships between stepparents and children without pressure.   Don’t try to hand off authority to soon; the biological parent will need to be the primary disciplinarian until a relationship is established.  Finally, if you want your step child to believe that you love them, you need to show them that you love their biological parent. They equate you loving their biological parent with you loving them.  Also, love between the parents brings a security to the relationship that allows the children to be more secure, unguarded, and open.

I am posting this on April 1st, but this is not a joke.  Stepfamilies can be great.

Posted in Stepfamilies, christian marriage ministry, marriage counseling, marriage help, marriage tips | 1 Comment »

A Wedding vs. a Marriage

Saturday, March 21st, 2009

Rebekah and I were in Barnes and Noble Bookstore yesterday, browsing the books and having a coffee.  I started looking at the bridal and wedding magazines (which probably looked a little odd since I am a guy).  There were at least a dozen, all targeting prospective brides with advertisements and articles on how to have a beautiful marriage.  Here I was looking at literally thousands of pages of information on having a good wedding, and in all of those magazines, I found one that had a one page article on how to have a good marriage.  Wow. 

A beautiful wedding does not guarantee a good marriage.  Most people don’t want to hear this, but it is true.  Don’t get me wrong, a wedding should be beautiful.  I just don’t think we should forget the marriage in the process leading up to the wedding event.  Statistics show that the average couple spends 250 – 500 hours preparing for a wedding, and 0 – 5 hours preparing for the marriage. 

You don’t start college preparing for the graduation.  Your career preparation (classes, studying, and exams) last nearly until graduation day.  I want to encourage every prospective bride and groom, please take time to prepare for the marriage through premarital counseling and reading.  You will be glad you did.  I want you to have a beautiful wedding AND a beautiful marriage.

Posted in Uncategorized, marriage counseling, marriage help, marriage tips | No Comments »

Listening

Thursday, March 19th, 2009

Listening is a vastly overlooked part of communication.  It seems that everyone wants to be heard and very few want to hear.  James 1:19 tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.  If we could all just apply these three principles to our lives and marriages, we would vastly improve our communication skills.

Posted in marriage counseling, marriage help, marriage tips | No Comments »

Say no to divorce

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

Hello everyone. Here’s another entry to help you have a better marriage.

You need to eliminate the word divorce from your vocabulary. It should never be considered as a possibility for your own marriage. The idea of divorce brings insecurity into a marriage, and you can’t build anything lasting on insecurity.

Many years ago, Rebekah and I used to get into BIG arguments. Many times, we would get angry and one of us would bring up divorce. Sometimes we would say it just so the other person didn’t get to say it first. It was as if the first one to bring it up had the advantage.

Then one day, along about 1992, I told Rebekah that divorce was no longer an option for us. I told her we were going to make our marriage work. She agreed, but sticking to it wasn’t easy. The next time we got into an argument, Rebekah brought it up. I was mad and wanted to jump on the bandwagon and say, “OK! Let’s get a divorce.” But I didn’t. I remembered our decision and said, “No! Divorce is not an option for us. I love you, and I am committed to you, and we are going to make our marriage work.”

This same thing happened just one more time. The results were dramatic. By saying no to divorce, we I brought tremendous security to her. It was a huge step forward in our relationship. We have never allowed divorce to be mentioned as a possibility for us since then.

I challenge you; eliminate the word divorce from your vocabulary. Even if your spouse brings it up, don’t you follow suit. Do what we did and say “NO” to divorce.

MATTHEW 19:6 NKJV
…So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Posted in christian marriage ministry, divorce, marriage help | No Comments »

Marriage By The Book

Friday, March 6th, 2009

Hello and welcome. I’m Rick Porterfield and this is my first blog. My wife Rebekah and I are Christian marriage ministers. We have been doing this since 1994 and we have seen hundreds of marriages improved and saved. We have seen marriages saved even when marital infidelity was involved. The truth is, any marriage, no matter how bad, can be saved. Also, any marriage, no matter how good, can be made better. Even if you are the only one who wants your marriage (i.e., your spouse doesn’t care) , there are things you can do by yourself to help save your marriage.

On this blog, I will be posting advice and tips to help you have a great relationship.

The first tip is shown above and it is a tip meant to give you hope — any marriage can be saved and any marriage can be made better. This is the absolute truth. The Bible offers the best guidance available for having a great and continuously growing relationship.

Keep checking back, and feel free to visit our website at marriagebythebook.org .

Posted in christian marriage ministry, marriage counseling, marriage help, marriage tips, save your marriage | No Comments »